Irrational and Bitter

It's been a while since I wrote anything in this blog. I have to say, that everything is working out. Sam and I got married a month after my last post and, now we are expecting a baby in April.

Things however with our friends have changed. Its not been an easy road. We've come to realize that the people we were once friends with, are bad people. The kind of people to whom real friendships mean nothing. Now we sit back and see the lives they are choosing to lead. Too bad, they could have been good people. My sister is still hanging around with one of them, and I have to admit, it pisses me off. I feel as though she should know better. And that she should realize that this somewhat feels like a betrayal. She tells me it is just so she can borrow things. But I am not as stupid as apparently she thinks I am.

I don't understand why bad people exist. Why things have to escalate to anger and harsh words. I am so angry all the time it seems. I think it is because of all the shit Sam and I have to deal with, and this neighborhood. I hate it here. Stereotypical assholes, who don't realize there is more to african american culture than speaking in ebonics, listening to music WAY too loud and teaching your children to be ignorant, disrespectful, stupid little retard assholes. And it isn't just black people. ALL the people in this neighborhood are that way. With the exception of the few people with manners. I can't stand going outside when the kids are out. All they do is stare at you with their little re-re mouths hanging open and bark at you, because god forbid they use english. Literally, they bark like dogs. I hate it here.

One day I am going to go off on someone. I swear. It will be someone from this neighborhood, or an old "friend" for lack of a better word. Bad people. Gah. Stupid people, slutty people, bitches, assholes and everyone who thinks they know us better than we know us. Like those people who said we would be bad parents. Haha when your children end up pregnant at a young age because of who you let them hang around with....well any way. Thats just me being irrational and bitter. Kind of.

I know that they say that somethings are better left unsaid.

I hate being so mad. It does nothing good for me karmacly. Makes me feel icky inside. Normally when I get here, to this point of anger I will pop in some Celtic music and chill myself the hell out. Know what I am listening to??? Angery music. LOUDLY on head phones.
THAT, well it means I want to scream but can't. I would gladly be screaming with Amy Lee at the top of my lungs right now. But I loves Benji and don't want him to throw things at me. :)

I bottle my bad feelings and my anger. I know that I do. I know I shouldn't. Its detrimental to me. I have been lied to, on numerous occasions. These lies have been brought to my attention, along with the things said behind my back.

*Never had a voice to protest, so you fed me shit to digest*

I was going to speak my mind. Calmly and rationally. Then, no, I wasn't wanted around. So, when it all comes out...
Like they say when it rains, it pours. And Baby, with me its gonna be a downpour with lightning and LOTS of thunder.

I am gonna keep music going till I have chilled some. Talk to Mandy, who is doing a GREAT job of calming me. And wait for Sam to come upstairs so I can tell him I love him.

Fates

Fate. Destiny. The 3 Greek goddesses; Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos. Things happening that are out of our control. Meant to happen at some point.

How is it that somethings seem predetermined by fate, yet others can seem to be our doing and our doing alone. There is the possibility I choose to believe, that some events, meetings, whatnot are fated to be, but it is ultimately up to those involved to make things happen after the fated event.

For example; you meet someone. It feels like you know you were supposed to know this person. No matter what had happened in your life, you just have a sense of certainty in regaurds to that person.

You could have met them as a child, as a teenager in high school, at a buisness conference, in a bar, in the nursing home 3 days before you pass on from this world. But you would hve met them, and they qould have the potential to profoundly change your life. As a friend, a lover, a buisness associate, a sworm enemy, any number of things. However you know that they were destined to enter your life.

Do you ever look back on a place in your life and say, "I would change that"? What would change exactly?? Would you know the things you know now were it not for that specific thing?? I have made a FAIR SHARE of mistakes in the past, but they have made me who I am. As have all the people.

There are a great many people I do not see, speak to, or even care to think about anymore. They, however, in their own way have helped me to where I am. For instance, I can think of the trail of people I was destined to meet to get to Sam. We'll just start randomly with my first real boyfriend...Matt. Through Matt I met Chad Mann, then through Chad there was Ivan, through Ivan's going away party there was Jeff. Jeff then introduced me to his friend Dustin. Who took me to hang out with his best friend Nathan, whos little brother Clayton became one of my best friends. Clayton got into Jesus Christ Superstar and took me to all the rehersals, which lead me to meet George and Jason Neal. George then took me to Arby's where I first glimpsed Sam. Later he introduced me to the entire gaming group and I instantly bonded with Jen. George and I seperate and Jen encourages me to stay part of the group (along with wes) I begin to form a friendship with Jess and Ben. I start spending more time around Sam, still not really speaking mind you. Well through tons of miscommunication we both decide the other hates us. And we are both more bothered by this fact than we care to let on to the group. Finally, both of us dancing around bite the bullet and try to make peace and learn the truth about the other by going to eat. Now, here we are engaged, getting married in just over a month.

From 1999 and Matt, all the way through hurt, mistreatment, putdowns, hands up, and everything that could possibly be in between I have come to the place I was fated to be and the person I was destined to meet and have change my life in some way.

But ultimately, it was Sam and I who chose the direction that the change took. We could have gone on believing in the hate we were sure was there. Glaring and not speaking. But there was something there nagging at the back of our minds, creeping into our thoughts and taking over our dreams saying "This is the one. The True One. Open your eyes and your heart." So, we did.

Its been a long and tough road getting here. For the both of us. But by all the Gods, Goddesses, Fates and superstitions, we have made it.

Now I look over to my right, at the man sleeping in the bed we share. So peaceful, so calm. And I know just as sure as he is in every dream I have, he is seeing me now. And when he wakes I will cross the room to him, wrap my arms about him as he does to me, kiss him, and tell him I love him, for now and for always.

So Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos, my dear fates. You have woven the beginings, but now we take the thread in our own hands to weave out the rest of our life together. Trust that you leave your thread in the best of hands.

Huntress (the reply to the Hunting)

I know you follow
dagger in your fist
You seek out vengeance
for a crime I did not commit
Place the blame in my hands
Dear one, Seek me out

Follow closely in the shadows
I hear your breath, as sure as if it were my own
Your feet fall like thunder on the ground
though in your mind you tread softly
I am a Huntress, Dear one
I know your scent

You shan't find me, Dear one
Not in my shadowed trees
For they are mine alone
Here I dwell in my solitude
I deserve not your vengeance
nor your hate nor spite

Your lover died not in vain
Your honor he was protecting
And I, his loyal ally
Fought by his side
Dear one, hunt me not
I am the Huntress
Yet I too have wings
to hold and envelope
those seeking truth and comfort

Am I too lost? Will I be denied?

There once was a song that I listened to on a regular basis. "Tourniquet" by Evanesscence.
I haven't heard it in quite some time. I remember now, listening to it for the first time in what seems like years (though it's more accurately a matter or months.) I remember feeling the way the song describes. I just wanted to be free of it all, the pain I felt, the pain I inflicted. I never wanted to kill myself. Just for clarification. But to me the line "I lay dying, pouring crimson regret and betrayl" Well it just hit home.
I felt not only that I had betrayed others, but more over I had betrayed myself and I was full of regret. Regret, never a good feeling. One should never regret. Unless it was a decision you did not learn from. I learned from all my decisions, mistakes, what have you. I have been able to make myself a better person for it.
I recently had a conversation which lead to me realizing that I still place blame and regret upon myself for my past actions. Things I allowed myself to do, when I am a stronger person then I portrayed. I am no longer one to be stepped upon and told what to do, nor how to do the things I do. I should not be wallowing in my regret and shame of myself when looking back. I should be able to find the positive. Even if it was only that I learned and became a better person for it.
I have betrayed others. Admitted. That is not a part of me that I have ever tried to hide. With one simple mistake I hurt many. Granted maybe it was not that simple. But I hurt many, and I hurt myself.
I am someone now. Someone I like. Someone I even love. I have no shame any longer in the way I conduct myself or present myself to others. I like to let people know that I am me, and no one else. I feel more comfortable exploring me. I think this is because I don't have the pressure any longer to "change for myself." If I wanted those changes, they would have come to me at my own pace. I didn't really want to be someones quiet little robot girlfriend in the corner. I wanted to be me. Living out loud. So no, those changes then were not going to work for me. Now if I make the choice on my own to change, I will be more inclined. I change a little everyday. I open up more, my mind expands, I give a little more of myself to someone I love, through my own choice.
I am now able to start looking back and see that those things that were so important to me then, well they mean little to nothing to me now. But they shaped me. I do those quizzes where they ask if I could change anything in my life what would it be... It would be nothing. Everything I have ever done has made me who I am. Every person I have ever met, given my love to, disliked, become friends with, or even just met in passing has had a hand in who I am.
It took some time. I know coming from a 22 year old some might scoff. However, there was something and someone I had to go through all this for. To make me who I am today. First and foremost it was for me. So I could be the free thinking, sassy, smart, witty, person that I have become. The 2nd thing was that I was readying myself. For something far greater than I ever could have conceived of, even but a year ago. There is true love. I never ever could have known what it was. I wasn't ready. I know that now I am. I found him when I was meant to. I knew that I would find him when it was time. I believe I even wrote about it in my other blog, less that a few weeks before I realized he was right in front of me all along. But I found him when I was meant to, and I am so glad. Because I love my Sammy with more love than I can even tell you. I hope maybe this shows a little about how I have grown and changed. Maybe. But its more important to me that I know.
Sorry about the ramblings....

Tangled

I sleep tonight
in my web of lies
encompassing my will
I live the life
I long for daily
when the night comes
enveloping my mind
I bend the places
I mold the time
I change the people
to fit my love, my longing
the sun burns a bright azure
the ground is speckled maroon
rain falls upside down in green
far away lands
becoming my home
people long gone beside me
loving, talking, floating
spin on litte spider
build my web of lies
lat me lay in the center
while you wrap me
on your silk of deception

Hunting the Huntress

Into the shadowed forrest
My dagger at my side
I hunt the hunter
softly fall my footsteps
bear feet upon the ground
dirty, broken, beaten
I seek out vengance
my heartbroken master
my love, you've been cut down
The heart in my chest
once beat only for you
now beats no longer
but boils only my blood
the hunter will be soon the fallen
crimson death ushering forth
until time comes to claim her
Then you my love
come forth from death
and envelope me in
your dark loving wings

300

Ok so I saw 300 today finally. And it rocked. Sam and I took Chelc` to see it and she ABSOLUTELY loved. I am buying 2 copies when it comes out. one for me and one for her. It was masterfully written and shot. The part when he goes "MY queen, my wife, my love" I lost it. I mean his LAST thoughts were of her. Now I know that makes me a hopeless romantic all over again. But thats how I am. I would die for the right causes that I believed in, and go thinking of my love. Dying so that my love would have a brighter future. A better chance. Its beautiful to me.

That movie rocks.....and Chelc` and I can't wait for our first oppertunity to go "THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and kick someone into a ravine or something...

Now I want to post my favorite poem ever published (thus far in my life...)

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,
I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!
and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death

Granted its not my favorite poem EVER...no another poet has calimed that honor with his beautiful words....I don't think you know it Sam...but I read it everyday. Because it too reitterates (sp?) what I mean to say about fighting for what you believe in, to the death if need be. And I believe in LOVE.

The Reason for my Smile

Ok...so it probably is apparent to everyone. But I have this massive smile on my face or playing the corners of my mouth at all times.
And HE is the reason. He who I never expected to be close friends with, let alone deeply and truely in love with. He who makes me laugh and sigh and just want to close my eyes and dream of him when ever he isnt near.

By the Gods, I love him.

I just had to say it...put it out there for everyone to know.


Love
Me

The Reason For my Name

I walk beneath the shadowed trees
listening for the sounds
the melodies of lutes
the humming of the pipes
the rythmn of drums
the voices rising in ancient song
come, we meet in the wood
we dance neath starlit skies
the old ones long gone fill us
we know their tales feel their lives
we dance amoungst the fairies
for the Goddess
with perfect love and trust
in the light of the moon
we dance til morning sun
crests o're the hills
we end our song knowing
the magic fills us all