Sometimes things happen. Life crushing things, Things you don't know how to get over, or past, or through. Its like this one song we sang at camp where the subject of the song comes to a spot of tall grass, "Can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go around it, gotta go through it." The thing is, I don't want to go through it. I don't want to feel the pain, the cuts and nicks and bruises that I will endure will be more than just a sting.
I feel like everything escalated over something stupid. A distasteful joke that didn't even APPEAR to be a joke. That made me out to be a bad friend who would choose her own child. Well, I will ALWAYS choose my own children. But lets be honest here, I tried and tried all day to have her come over. After she said "not today" I went ahead and took Kai to Percy Jackson. We had fun. Then I came home to the most hurtful thing I have seen and experienced. 24 years of love and loyalty and as she put it "ride or die" just thrown to the wind. Guess that means we died. I am angry. I am hurt. Other than when my ambien knocked me out, I have been crying. I can't stop. Did I waste 24 years? I don't really think so. But maybe she does.
She has let herself become a person surrounded by awful. I think maybe she thinks she deserves it. She doesn't. She deserves someone who will REALLY love her. But she settles for whatever comes along and smiles at her.
I have dealt with different kinds of friend loss in my life. Nana was my best friend and she died. Saggins was my friend and I didn't even realize it until it was too late. We've had friendships deteriorate and then start to rebuild. I had two close friends move, rather suddenly and we're not really that close anymore. But I still had her by my side. Or I thought I did.
I don't want friends any more. I don't want to allow myself to ever be hurt like this. Sometimes you have to climb inside a box and hide. Make sure you have room for your family but no outside people can enter. Being boxed away with my husband and children will be enough for me. But I am going to do it, box myself in. I can't ever feel this way again, and if I don't let anyone in, I won't have to.
I just hope she keeps this clean. She said something about playing dirty and for her sake, I hope it doesn't involve my children. For them, I will fight. I'm not comfortable with Kai going to his school now. She works there and I know she can be petty and vindictive. I have seen her at it. I want to put in for a transfer but Sam thinks we can handle it at the office.
My heart aches. My head hurts. I feel empty. I feel angry. I feel completely betrayed. All in the name of friendship. I think I will just go back to my box.
