Huntress (the reply to the Hunting)

I know you follow
dagger in your fist
You seek out vengeance
for a crime I did not commit
Place the blame in my hands
Dear one, Seek me out

Follow closely in the shadows
I hear your breath, as sure as if it were my own
Your feet fall like thunder on the ground
though in your mind you tread softly
I am a Huntress, Dear one
I know your scent

You shan't find me, Dear one
Not in my shadowed trees
For they are mine alone
Here I dwell in my solitude
I deserve not your vengeance
nor your hate nor spite

Your lover died not in vain
Your honor he was protecting
And I, his loyal ally
Fought by his side
Dear one, hunt me not
I am the Huntress
Yet I too have wings
to hold and envelope
those seeking truth and comfort

Am I too lost? Will I be denied?

There once was a song that I listened to on a regular basis. "Tourniquet" by Evanesscence.
I haven't heard it in quite some time. I remember now, listening to it for the first time in what seems like years (though it's more accurately a matter or months.) I remember feeling the way the song describes. I just wanted to be free of it all, the pain I felt, the pain I inflicted. I never wanted to kill myself. Just for clarification. But to me the line "I lay dying, pouring crimson regret and betrayl" Well it just hit home.
I felt not only that I had betrayed others, but more over I had betrayed myself and I was full of regret. Regret, never a good feeling. One should never regret. Unless it was a decision you did not learn from. I learned from all my decisions, mistakes, what have you. I have been able to make myself a better person for it.
I recently had a conversation which lead to me realizing that I still place blame and regret upon myself for my past actions. Things I allowed myself to do, when I am a stronger person then I portrayed. I am no longer one to be stepped upon and told what to do, nor how to do the things I do. I should not be wallowing in my regret and shame of myself when looking back. I should be able to find the positive. Even if it was only that I learned and became a better person for it.
I have betrayed others. Admitted. That is not a part of me that I have ever tried to hide. With one simple mistake I hurt many. Granted maybe it was not that simple. But I hurt many, and I hurt myself.
I am someone now. Someone I like. Someone I even love. I have no shame any longer in the way I conduct myself or present myself to others. I like to let people know that I am me, and no one else. I feel more comfortable exploring me. I think this is because I don't have the pressure any longer to "change for myself." If I wanted those changes, they would have come to me at my own pace. I didn't really want to be someones quiet little robot girlfriend in the corner. I wanted to be me. Living out loud. So no, those changes then were not going to work for me. Now if I make the choice on my own to change, I will be more inclined. I change a little everyday. I open up more, my mind expands, I give a little more of myself to someone I love, through my own choice.
I am now able to start looking back and see that those things that were so important to me then, well they mean little to nothing to me now. But they shaped me. I do those quizzes where they ask if I could change anything in my life what would it be... It would be nothing. Everything I have ever done has made me who I am. Every person I have ever met, given my love to, disliked, become friends with, or even just met in passing has had a hand in who I am.
It took some time. I know coming from a 22 year old some might scoff. However, there was something and someone I had to go through all this for. To make me who I am today. First and foremost it was for me. So I could be the free thinking, sassy, smart, witty, person that I have become. The 2nd thing was that I was readying myself. For something far greater than I ever could have conceived of, even but a year ago. There is true love. I never ever could have known what it was. I wasn't ready. I know that now I am. I found him when I was meant to. I knew that I would find him when it was time. I believe I even wrote about it in my other blog, less that a few weeks before I realized he was right in front of me all along. But I found him when I was meant to, and I am so glad. Because I love my Sammy with more love than I can even tell you. I hope maybe this shows a little about how I have grown and changed. Maybe. But its more important to me that I know.
Sorry about the ramblings....

Tangled

I sleep tonight
in my web of lies
encompassing my will
I live the life
I long for daily
when the night comes
enveloping my mind
I bend the places
I mold the time
I change the people
to fit my love, my longing
the sun burns a bright azure
the ground is speckled maroon
rain falls upside down in green
far away lands
becoming my home
people long gone beside me
loving, talking, floating
spin on litte spider
build my web of lies
lat me lay in the center
while you wrap me
on your silk of deception

Hunting the Huntress

Into the shadowed forrest
My dagger at my side
I hunt the hunter
softly fall my footsteps
bear feet upon the ground
dirty, broken, beaten
I seek out vengance
my heartbroken master
my love, you've been cut down
The heart in my chest
once beat only for you
now beats no longer
but boils only my blood
the hunter will be soon the fallen
crimson death ushering forth
until time comes to claim her
Then you my love
come forth from death
and envelope me in
your dark loving wings