I know that they say that somethings are better left unsaid.

I hate being so mad. It does nothing good for me karmacly. Makes me feel icky inside. Normally when I get here, to this point of anger I will pop in some Celtic music and chill myself the hell out. Know what I am listening to??? Angery music. LOUDLY on head phones.
THAT, well it means I want to scream but can't. I would gladly be screaming with Amy Lee at the top of my lungs right now. But I loves Benji and don't want him to throw things at me. :)

I bottle my bad feelings and my anger. I know that I do. I know I shouldn't. Its detrimental to me. I have been lied to, on numerous occasions. These lies have been brought to my attention, along with the things said behind my back.

*Never had a voice to protest, so you fed me shit to digest*

I was going to speak my mind. Calmly and rationally. Then, no, I wasn't wanted around. So, when it all comes out...
Like they say when it rains, it pours. And Baby, with me its gonna be a downpour with lightning and LOTS of thunder.

I am gonna keep music going till I have chilled some. Talk to Mandy, who is doing a GREAT job of calming me. And wait for Sam to come upstairs so I can tell him I love him.

Fates

Fate. Destiny. The 3 Greek goddesses; Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos. Things happening that are out of our control. Meant to happen at some point.

How is it that somethings seem predetermined by fate, yet others can seem to be our doing and our doing alone. There is the possibility I choose to believe, that some events, meetings, whatnot are fated to be, but it is ultimately up to those involved to make things happen after the fated event.

For example; you meet someone. It feels like you know you were supposed to know this person. No matter what had happened in your life, you just have a sense of certainty in regaurds to that person.

You could have met them as a child, as a teenager in high school, at a buisness conference, in a bar, in the nursing home 3 days before you pass on from this world. But you would hve met them, and they qould have the potential to profoundly change your life. As a friend, a lover, a buisness associate, a sworm enemy, any number of things. However you know that they were destined to enter your life.

Do you ever look back on a place in your life and say, "I would change that"? What would change exactly?? Would you know the things you know now were it not for that specific thing?? I have made a FAIR SHARE of mistakes in the past, but they have made me who I am. As have all the people.

There are a great many people I do not see, speak to, or even care to think about anymore. They, however, in their own way have helped me to where I am. For instance, I can think of the trail of people I was destined to meet to get to Sam. We'll just start randomly with my first real boyfriend...Matt. Through Matt I met Chad Mann, then through Chad there was Ivan, through Ivan's going away party there was Jeff. Jeff then introduced me to his friend Dustin. Who took me to hang out with his best friend Nathan, whos little brother Clayton became one of my best friends. Clayton got into Jesus Christ Superstar and took me to all the rehersals, which lead me to meet George and Jason Neal. George then took me to Arby's where I first glimpsed Sam. Later he introduced me to the entire gaming group and I instantly bonded with Jen. George and I seperate and Jen encourages me to stay part of the group (along with wes) I begin to form a friendship with Jess and Ben. I start spending more time around Sam, still not really speaking mind you. Well through tons of miscommunication we both decide the other hates us. And we are both more bothered by this fact than we care to let on to the group. Finally, both of us dancing around bite the bullet and try to make peace and learn the truth about the other by going to eat. Now, here we are engaged, getting married in just over a month.

From 1999 and Matt, all the way through hurt, mistreatment, putdowns, hands up, and everything that could possibly be in between I have come to the place I was fated to be and the person I was destined to meet and have change my life in some way.

But ultimately, it was Sam and I who chose the direction that the change took. We could have gone on believing in the hate we were sure was there. Glaring and not speaking. But there was something there nagging at the back of our minds, creeping into our thoughts and taking over our dreams saying "This is the one. The True One. Open your eyes and your heart." So, we did.

Its been a long and tough road getting here. For the both of us. But by all the Gods, Goddesses, Fates and superstitions, we have made it.

Now I look over to my right, at the man sleeping in the bed we share. So peaceful, so calm. And I know just as sure as he is in every dream I have, he is seeing me now. And when he wakes I will cross the room to him, wrap my arms about him as he does to me, kiss him, and tell him I love him, for now and for always.

So Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos, my dear fates. You have woven the beginings, but now we take the thread in our own hands to weave out the rest of our life together. Trust that you leave your thread in the best of hands.