Constant

Happiness. Seems a vague concept doesn't it? Everyone thinks that they have it. Until they find something better and realize they didn't. Go about your life, fool yourself. Say, "I am happy with how life is going." But how is life going? Do you love the person you are with? REALLY and truly. Are you unhappy with them more than you are happy, do they make you miserable an equal amount of the time. I thought to be really happy and really in love it was supposed to be more good than bad. But look at the world. Thats not how people live. They say, "I love that person, but I hate them too." Can you love someone you hate? I don't think so. It doesn't feel right. If you LOVE someone, truly and completely love them, then you don't hate them. Not a little, not at all. You may become frustrated from time to time, but you talk it through, you work it out. You don't ignore it. Because though it isn't discussed, it hasn't gone away. You are still thinking of it, they are still thinking of it. You are keeping things from each other. And there is where the trouble starts.

The husband and wife argue about bills. She needs new shoes, he says no way. They have a brutal argument in which they call one another names and hurt each other. Then they go to bed. No talking, no making up. Turned away from one another, angrily trying to ignore the person next to them. The next day, no one mentions the fight, they pretend it never happened. Then she goes out and buys shoes. She doesn't tell him. Starts small, with shoes. Soon she thinks, "why tell him I bought that dress, and since I won't tell him, I will wear it when I go out with the girls. Well I don't need to tell him I had a few martinis while we were out. Or that I made a new friend in that guy Joel. Joel listens to me, Bill doesn't. Bill doesn't have to know I am meeting Joel for lunch, its just lunch. Joel makes me happy. Bill doesn't need to know he kissed me, it was just a friendly kiss." See how much stupidness ensues from just keeping one little thing? This happens all the time. I see it. I watch the world. And it makes me sick.

Just like I hear that to a mother no one should mean more than her child. I am going to love our son. Completely. But not more than Sam. Think about it, you devote your life to this child who grows up and makes a life of their own, then you look at your spouse and you realize, we don't know each other any more. We don't even like each other any more. I spent the last 19 years dedicating my life to our child, and my husband drifted off into his own life, because he wasn't AS important to me. Now we're married, but completely separate. That seems a sad life to me. I will love our son and my husband equally. Differently yes. Because you cannot love a husband and a son in the same manner. But equally. Neither one will mean more than the other. Because Sam is my best friend. And after our son has grown up and made his own life, I want to know that I will be able to live out the rest of my life with my best friend, who I still know and trust completely.

I am lucky to have what I have. Not many people get it. My husband and I literally mean more than the world to one another. Nothing comes before. Our son will be on par with us. To US as US not him and I, our son will come before everyone else we know. He needs that to grow into a person that is good. He needs to know that above all else, his parents loved him and did their best. Not that they put him aside for their own selfish gain. Never. Granted, when he gets older, if Sam and I have things that need to be talked out, that will come before him playing a game with us, or going to a friend's house. But the most important times, he will know we are there for him. But he will also grow up knowing that Mommy and Daddy love each other as well, and they have a relationship to maintain, and that is just as important.

I used to think I was happy. I recently found out that there was at least one person jealous because of how happy I seemed. I wasn't happy. Not really. I did the fooling myself thing. Not worth it. Now I have Sam, and I feel this complete happiness and contentment all of the time. And our son, well he only strengthens that. Granted I still have stress. I still rant and rave. But the majority comes from the outside. Not the inside. I know what is important now. Its the inside. Its my family. My husband, our son, and me. Before all others. It might be taken as harsh by some people. But most people should understand and see what an amazing thing we have. If ever there was something to be jealous of, for good reason, I believe its this.

It is good to have friends, and family that you can count on for support and love. People who understand you, and what your core family has. This is a great thing. People who get that your core family comes first. And they are willing to hang out with you when its possible, and not get upset because you have a family activity planned for when they wanted to come over. These people, are good people. All people are selfish, I know, but you should want to surround yourself with people who are generally unselfish, and you should grant them the courtesy of the same understanding they give you. Be grateful for these people. They are the good ones.